I don’t know how I feel about this…

 

Listening to:
Song: When You Love Someone
Artist: Bethany Dillon
Album: So Far…The Acoustic Sessions

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve had a post…I feel like I’ve been in a mini-cocoon growing in ways I never thought I would all so I could raise my hands in surrender via blog post

But as I said I’ve been growing and as the title states…”I [sure] don’t know how I feel about this…” the growing that is. It’s in ways (as I also mentioned before) I never thought I would and never hoped I would. I feel like part of me always knew it was only a matter of time for this heart of stone to be penetrated in the most personal of ways.

You see my hearts been going through quite the penetration over the past year or so. It started with my friends. The Lord in ways that only He could started kneading my heart like one would knead a lump of dough softening it to a point which it could love and love deeply. Then this kneading spread out to strangers where the Lord broke/breaks my heart for just about anyone from the homeless man on the street, to the teenage cutter who’s had it with life at sixteen, to the wife who wants to be known and not just seen (making me a huge crybaby but that’s for another late night ramble).

And it didn’t stop there, the kneading spread on to my family and it changed me so deeply that I now not only love my family but I like them. I notice the intricacies of their personalities and adore them. I admire their strengths and understand their weaknesses and love them all the more through them. All these things were heart transformations that I neither initiated or even worked at…I just received them. The Lord has simply made my heart to love like his.

Still…there has been a piece of this heart metamorphosis if you will that I had been running from and not just running from but sprinting from for fear of what it meant for me. But I don’t think I can run any longer. It’s dragging me in like a moth to the flame.

You see I’d convinced myself I was better off alone…that this heart of mine was too complicated to dabble in the game of love (eros love if you catch my drift). See I love love…I love loving the little children, and I love being Christ’s love to those who have been tainted by the world’s sorry version of it. And I respected those who found love with another, but it just seemed to not be for me. The Lord is my husband and the world our love nest, and while that still holds true in this last piece of the metamorphasis he’s making room in my heart for someone else to join this journey he’s laying out before me.

I can literally feel him kneading a little hole in my heart for the man he has specifically chosen for me that he may fill it…and I hate it in a good way. After kneading me for friends, strangers, and family the Lord is now kneading me for my husband that I may love him with the same depth and passion that he will love me, and that together we may be the three braided cord that no man can separate on this journey still unfolding. It’s a weird thought…but it’s coming and as it goes I have no choice in the matter

P.S.
If you know me well you know how happy my mom will be

Aged

Today I feel very different. I was just sitting here taking a trip down memory lane, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt aged. I mean it’s a good thing to grow, but for the moment my scars just seemed that much more evident. I just recognized that yes I’ve learned a lot, but it sure hurt a lot along the way. With every scar I gained a much needed brain branch…but oh those scars. They change the way you view the world quite a bit. They change the way you view life quite a bit. The key though is to become wise and not a wise…donkey, and to become tough, but not hard (stole that from a movie).

So I guess it’s ok to be “aged”, but one thing is for sure…in this world wisdom does have its price.

Let Your words consume me
Let Your essence infuse me
Take me to the place where love never grows cold

Learning to Breathe

That I’m learning to breathe
I’m learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Tonight I feel like I truly am learning to breathe as the Switchfoot song states. I’m taking things one step at a time and learning what it means to live ALIVE. I often feel like a baby just crawling through this life, but I know with each baby step I draw one step closer to the One…the One who holds the key to all the prodding of my heart. I just want to live awake and alive. I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies…

Laying Down My Pride

 

Listening to:
Song: With Everything
Artist: Daniel Bashta
Album: My Worship in Motion

 

 

It’s being revealed to me that the root of all my falling is pride. I often fear man more than I fear God, and hold to my reputation and what others will think of me before considering what the Father will think of me. Still, Jesus addresses this clearly in Matthew 10:28:

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”

God is all powerful and man’s power can’t even fan the flame of His glory and might. Therefore, why fear what man can do to me when they can only harm the body but never my soul. Haha…it reminds me of the childhood phrase…”sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Once again from the mouth of babes…such truth. I am so concerned with reputation that I talk myself right out of doing God’s will.

What gain is there in having high and lofty position amongst men, but still be separate from the King of Glory? Take a look at the celebrities who seem to have it all: fame, fortune, and all other fruits of this world and still remain…empty. I think it’s said best in the Tobymac song:

“I don’t want to gain the world and lose my soul.”

The only reputation worth having is one of a servant of God who seeks Him earnestly not laying up treasures on earth “where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal”(Matthew 6:19), but rather living to do His will no matter the cost and laying up treasures in Heaven…treasures which are eternal.

Still, like everything else it’s a process. God’s shaping me and molding me, and will continue this work until completion. I’m sticking with Him, and isn’t it beautiful that in His deep love and patience He’s sticking with me gently easing me down the path of righteousness.

For those of you who are like me just taking it a day at a time with the Savior, take heart:

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you[and me!] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” -Philippians 1:6

Lord thank you for being so patient with me…it truly is Your love and kindness that draws us all to repentance