Could this be happening?

 

Listening to:
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift
Album: Fearless

 

 

For those of you who are wondering, it’s so weird being me right now…I promise I never asked for this . Could I really be falling in love with someone I’ve never met(as far as I know)? Haha…I feel like I’m coming undone over some kid that is (as far as I know) no where in my immediate vision. For so long I was convinced I was alone and I liked it. It was safe, but now I feel like my heart is in knots over only Lord knows who he is.

Haha…I feel like a kid again and I can’t even explain it. The Lord and his ways. Before you know it I’ll be writing him letters and praying for him…mind you two things I told myself I would NEVER do.

Sooo wierd…but it’s not so bad. I guess this girly side had to come out sooner or later.

It’s probably all the Bethany Dillon and Taylor Swift I’ve been listening to…:)

I don’t know how I feel about this…

 

Listening to:
Song: When You Love Someone
Artist: Bethany Dillon
Album: So Far…The Acoustic Sessions

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve had a post…I feel like I’ve been in a mini-cocoon growing in ways I never thought I would all so I could raise my hands in surrender via blog post

But as I said I’ve been growing and as the title states…”I [sure] don’t know how I feel about this…” the growing that is. It’s in ways (as I also mentioned before) I never thought I would and never hoped I would. I feel like part of me always knew it was only a matter of time for this heart of stone to be penetrated in the most personal of ways.

You see my hearts been going through quite the penetration over the past year or so. It started with my friends. The Lord in ways that only He could started kneading my heart like one would knead a lump of dough softening it to a point which it could love and love deeply. Then this kneading spread out to strangers where the Lord broke/breaks my heart for just about anyone from the homeless man on the street, to the teenage cutter who’s had it with life at sixteen, to the wife who wants to be known and not just seen (making me a huge crybaby but that’s for another late night ramble).

And it didn’t stop there, the kneading spread on to my family and it changed me so deeply that I now not only love my family but I like them. I notice the intricacies of their personalities and adore them. I admire their strengths and understand their weaknesses and love them all the more through them. All these things were heart transformations that I neither initiated or even worked at…I just received them. The Lord has simply made my heart to love like his.

Still…there has been a piece of this heart metamorphosis if you will that I had been running from and not just running from but sprinting from for fear of what it meant for me. But I don’t think I can run any longer. It’s dragging me in like a moth to the flame.

You see I’d convinced myself I was better off alone…that this heart of mine was too complicated to dabble in the game of love (eros love if you catch my drift). See I love love…I love loving the little children, and I love being Christ’s love to those who have been tainted by the world’s sorry version of it. And I respected those who found love with another, but it just seemed to not be for me. The Lord is my husband and the world our love nest, and while that still holds true in this last piece of the metamorphasis he’s making room in my heart for someone else to join this journey he’s laying out before me.

I can literally feel him kneading a little hole in my heart for the man he has specifically chosen for me that he may fill it…and I hate it in a good way. After kneading me for friends, strangers, and family the Lord is now kneading me for my husband that I may love him with the same depth and passion that he will love me, and that together we may be the three braided cord that no man can separate on this journey still unfolding. It’s a weird thought…but it’s coming and as it goes I have no choice in the matter

P.S.
If you know me well you know how happy my mom will be

In the Breaking

 

Listening to:
Song: The Cure for Pain
Artist: Jon Foreman
Album: Fall

 

 

Tonight as I was driving and letting the raindrops be my melody, I came to this conclusion…
As with every other muscle of the body the heart must break to build. Tissue must be torn and tendons must be stretched all for this process of growth. And though it hurts in the moment the fruit it produces is innumerable and the strength it builds faces no atrophy. It is in the breaking I am able to see grace and know the Father’s love. In my weakness I am able to submit to the unknown and trust in the Almighty. In the breaking I find peace.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. -Hebrews 12:11

Head Over Heals

 

Listening to:
Song: Head Over Heels(In This Life)
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Oh Gravity

 

 

Tonight I’m just letting these word become me:

In this life You’re the one place I call home
In this life You’re the feeling I belong
In this life You’re the flower and the thorn
You’re everything that’s fair in love…and war

It hits me because in this life He’s all these things to me. When I have nowhere to belong or no one to belong to it is so sweet to know I am always his. Lately I’ve become good at crying or rather owning up to it, and I’ll be honest with you tonight I just want to bawl…ugly cry it out. I am totally broken in love…broken in His love for me and broken in His love I see played out in the “glory glimpses” throughout humanity (or dogality haha).

I watched Marley and Me tonight and thought…what love. It’s unconditional and unrelenting…hmm much like someone else know. Then my mom said this and I instantly thought of Jesus.

They(dogs) love you even when you treat them badly.

Oh how many times have I treated him badly (God that is). I have saught my own way, loved something more, become self-absorbed, or just outright abandoned him and left him in the dust. To count the times would take an eternity. And all along I hear him sing the same refrain:

If you find her tell her that I love her. If you find her tell her heart to come.

Oh His love is so deep. The ocean is only a puddle in comparison. I just want to love him back…truly.

Call My Name

 

Listening to:
Song: Call My Name
Artist: Third Day
Album: Revelation

 

 

Call My Name
By Third Day

It’s been so long since
You felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know
There’s a place where you belong
Here in My Arms

Chorus:
When you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I’ll be there
You just call My name and I’ll be there

The pain inside
Has erased your hope for love
Soon you will find
That I’ll give you all
That your heart could ever want
And so much more

Chorus:
When you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I’ll be there
You just call My name and I’ll be there

You just call My name
You just call My name
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
CALL MY NAME SAY IT NOW
I WANT YOU TO NEVER DOUBT
THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS SO ALIVE

You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive
You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name

What a beautiful blessing it is to know that You never leave Father. Even when the world around me crumbles…when relationships fade. Even when I feel so alone in this world…You are here with me.

“what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?” -Psalm 8:4

Lord I did nothing to deserve this love…nothing. Why? Why do you love me? Why do you love any of us? We live lives loving and then leaving You…still You gently draw us near to You. What great love is this…that the King of the universe would call me…would call me friend.

You are deserving of everything I have to give. Oh God, that I would only call Your name…that I would only call Your name.

“that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,” -Philippians 2:10

Fragile

Thank You

You don’t crush me with a heavy hand

You don’t leave me alone in this world

Yes I am fragile

My heart is easily broken

I am susceptible to tears

No stranger to fear

No alien to rejection or worthlessness

Still in You I find my worth

You make beauty from ashes

You make freedom from chains

Love me hard Father

Nights like this it feels like only You will

Love’s Divine Romance

 

Listening to:
Song: I Am Still Running
Artist: Jon Foreman
Album: Fall and Winter

 

 

Hmm…what a beautiful time. I lay here in my dimly lit dorm room all by my lonesome listening to Jon Foreman remind me that His love is strong. I admit so often I forget just how strong His love is. My heart becomes weary and my soul becomes restless and the enemy’s lies press in my inadequacies and lather on the doubts. Still, I must always remember His love is strong. Even where I fall short He is able to fill in the blanks and cover the empty spaces. When there is no where to run I always have somewhere to go…straight into His arms.

Still, I won’t build myself up to be stronger or more spiritual than I truly am because Lord knows He’s not always the first place I run to. Many times I’d love to steal a shoulder before I’d even think about delving into His Word, but He’s changing me. I’m beginning to understand what it truly means to run to Him, and seeing how those shoulders I once thought to be my only hope are just bi-products of a greater love and deeper romance. I cherish the shoulders, but I am more grateful for the one who flows through them. In every tender embrace Christ’s love pours out on me.

It is Him who makes Himself manifest in our loves. Doesn’t the Word say it best in 1 John 4:8, “…God is love.” It doesn’t say God knows how to love really well or God is a pretty cool example of love…it says God IS Love. He defines love. Love is Him and He is love. To love is to know God and to know God is to walk in that love. Therefore, I will look at love differently today and every day following. Each and every loving act done by a friend or friends I will count as just one more loving act from the Father. As said in James:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:17

It is Him who infuses me to love and surrounds me with love. He loved me even in my most unloveliest of states.