Listening to:
Song: When You Love Someone
Artist: Bethany Dillon
Album: So Far…The Acoustic Sessions
It’s been a while since I’ve had a post…I feel like I’ve been in a mini-cocoon growing in ways I never thought I would all so I could raise my hands in surrender via blog post 
But as I said I’ve been growing and as the title states…”I [sure] don’t know how I feel about this…” the growing that is. It’s in ways (as I also mentioned before) I never thought I would and never hoped I would. I feel like part of me always knew it was only a matter of time for this heart of stone to be penetrated in the most personal of ways. 
You see my hearts been going through quite the penetration over the past year or so. It started with my friends. The Lord in ways that only He could started kneading my heart like one would knead a lump of dough softening it to a point which it could love and love deeply. Then this kneading spread out to strangers where the Lord broke/breaks my heart for just about anyone from the homeless man on the street, to the teenage cutter who’s had it with life at sixteen, to the wife who wants to be known and not just seen (making me a huge crybaby but that’s for another late night ramble).
And it didn’t stop there, the kneading spread on to my family and it changed me so deeply that I now not only love my family but I like them. I notice the intricacies of their personalities and adore them. I admire their strengths and understand their weaknesses and love them all the more through them. All these things were heart transformations that I neither initiated or even worked at…I just received them. The Lord has simply made my heart to love like his.
Still…there has been a piece of this heart metamorphosis if you will that I had been running from and not just running from but sprinting from for fear of what it meant for me. But I don’t think I can run any longer. It’s dragging me in like a moth to the flame.
You see I’d convinced myself I was better off alone…that this heart of mine was too complicated to dabble in the game of love (eros love if you catch my drift). See I love love…I love loving the little children, and I love being Christ’s love to those who have been tainted by the world’s sorry version of it. And I respected those who found love with another, but it just seemed to not be for me. The Lord is my husband and the world our love nest, and while that still holds true in this last piece of the metamorphasis he’s making room in my heart for someone else to join this journey he’s laying out before me.
I can literally feel him kneading a little hole in my heart for the man he has specifically chosen for me that he may fill it…and I hate it in a good way. After kneading me for friends, strangers, and family the Lord is now kneading me for my husband that I may love him with the same depth and passion that he will love me, and that together we may be the three braided cord that no man can separate on this journey still unfolding. It’s a weird thought…but it’s coming and as it goes I have no choice in the matter
P.S.
If you know me well you know how happy my mom will be
